30 years ago...

A 20 year old college student wrote this:

"1-7-1974

The rain washed the world away.
Everything looks pale
Like a watercolor picture
the colors fade and run togeter
Leaving my world
dim and blurry,
Uncertain.

I am no exception:
My soul is washed & diluted
As I worry about untangling my world,
Redrawing the lost lines
Trying to clarify, seperate the blurs.

I am a child with watercolors,
Drawing stick figures and purple suns,
Crushed and wondering why they don't look real.

The Master Painter comes, and lovingly
shows the child a few of her mistakes.
He warns her,
'It shall be long before you will be able to correct these
But I will teach you as you are able to understand.
Now, let Me paint your world!'

He does, with the Master's touch
And with His fine, practiced stroke
He repaints me,
Brighter than I will ever be able."

Now, 30 years later, that college student has been happily married for 25 years and has two teenage daughters of her own. I'm the oldest of the two.

I found a notebook down in our basement full of writings from before, during, and after my mother's college years. As I read through it, I become more and more amazed at how much my mom experienced that I'm going through as well. All these poems, her heartcrys at the time, are the same things I feel and experience. For once I have a sympathy and an understanding and connection with my mom that I've never had before! It's amazing to see that, even though it's hard for her to understand now, she knew once what I am going through, and she personally experienced a lot of the same things herself. It's very encouraging to read her pain and joy and confusion and know that things turned out ok in the end.

"12-?-73

Trust in the Lord,
With all your heart...
There's so much to learn,
so many things I want to know---
now."

The Greatest Blessing

There are many things that mean a lot to me, especially when you start getting into the God side of things, but there is one thing that is (as far as I can think) the most exciting thing to me: being used by God. Think about it! The God of all, the Creator of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, my holy Father, the most perfect being in all existence; and He chooses to use me, an "insignificant" little earthling that is not even as much as an ant compared to His glory! And yet He still places His trust in me, and uses me to impact the people around me when He could easily do without! What could be more exciting about that?!?

Now, I may be partially biased here, because, through my entire life, I have but one goal: To make a positive difference in my world. To stand up when others around me fall, to shine God's light in the dark, to swim upstream and be an example to the rest of the fish, to be the one black sheep in a heard of white (or, if you want to stay Biblical, the only white sheep in a heard of black sheep because of the black=sin and white=purity example). Our world needs help, and, even though I'm a small and insignificant teenager in the world's eyes, God sees me as a pot boiling over with potential and excitement and love for Him! So, I believe that is why it's so stinkin' exciting when God chooses to use me as a vessel to pour out His love and wisdom to those around me.

I could talk forever on this subject because I have such a passion for it, but it is late (or should I say early, haha!) and I must end for now.

May God bless and use each and every one of you to impact the people around you in as many positive ways as possible! Keep your eyes on God and your heart in His word, and you're right on track to living a full life for Him! :)

A vessel of God's,

<>< Christi <><

We are the Youth of the Nation

Ok, so I had this entire post basically written up, but I decided it just wasn't what I needed to post on now. There's some other stuff that's really bugging me, and I think I'm gunna talk about that instead.

Let me make some statements, and see what you think:
~I believe that we, as teenagers, are the youth of the Nation. No arguements? Good!
~I believe that we are not just useless beings like so many people think teenagers are. Still good (at least with the other teenagers)? Great!
~I believe that we have the power to make a difference in our country. Did I loose a few of you there? Well, check the next one.
~I believe that we are called BY THE BIBLE to stand against Satan and swim upstream to be examples to the whole world. How many of you are still with me? That's where a lot of people back off and decide to retreat.

"Me? Make a difference? Dude, I'm like nothing. The adults don't listen to me, my teachers treat me like crap, and my opinion isn't worth trash to the people around me. There is NO reason to even bother trying to change anything, including me, cuz I can't make a difference to anyone!"
And that's when kids start turning to smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex, theft, murder, suicide...because they're either trying to turn themselves into something others will respect (but they look to the wrong people for that respect), or trying to drown out what a wreck they think their life is.

Guys, listen to me. Wait, no. Listen to God! We are NOT trash. We are NOT worthless. We are NOT talentless (in fact we're quite the opposite!). We need to live out what the Bible says: "Do not let people look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, life, love, faith, and in purity!"
Because God said Himself: "'For I know the plans I have for you!' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE!'" But that future isn't going to be much if we don't stand up for it NOW!

So, I'll just end on this:

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

No way.!.!.!.

I did not just write that the other day (referring to my previous post)!!! Did I? I think that had to have been the best, most inspired thing I've ever written! Lame, I know, but still exciting. Unoriginal? I know, I just decided to put it in my own words, and MAN it felt good! Uninteresting? To everyone other than me and my parents, probably. But I don't care. I'm just totally pumped that I was able to write about something that meant so much to me with such passion and enthusiasm, and have it turn out good enough to sound like someone with a higher intelligence level than I wrote it! Why does it seem I can rarely ever measure up to those around me?

There I go, bashing myself again! I can't get away from it. Everything I do, good or bad, is thoroughly critiqued by myself in an inhuman way, because I expect perfection from an imperfect creation. Illogical, I know. Very rarely will I allow myself the pleasure of feeling I did something half-right for a change, and even then I scold myself in between the praises! It's nice to know I have a God and Father who will accept me no matter how many flaws I possess, and will love me for all eternity just because I am His creation and His daughter and, to Him, I am a beautiful princess who is worth all the worldly precious metals and gems combined!

I just wish there was some way I could look at myself through His eyes for once, and be fully convinced that it's true. But I guess that's where trust and faith come in, right?

"Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing! They don't have to see this place to know that it's here."
-Elf in The Santa Clause

Music

What is man's infatuation with the unseen vibrations that travel from special material items, commonly known as instruments or vocal chords, to our ears and make a plethora of noises that all (preferably) sound in one accord? Is it the sensation of feeling our ear drums frantically move back and forth? Or is it the fascination that thousands of tiny invisible waves are moving toward you at unthinkable speeds and somehow formulate into something noticeable (usually referred to as 'noise')as they bear down upon you? I think neither, though both are intriguing.

It is my belief, being a musician in training, that this extreme love of music comes from a deeper, more hidden (and yet not) need. I believe that the call to experience this phenomena is an eternal heart-cry of all man kind. Human beings, being limited as we are while having been created by the Supernatural, have a burden to express ourselves in extraordinary and artistic ways! There are feelings that are so often bundled inside of our bodies which we do not have the full capability of making them known and, oftentimes, understanding them ourselves; which is where the beauty and depth of Musical Expression enters the picture.

Music, as well as the wording and meaning of it, helps fulfill that need, and desire, in ways which, I believe, are unexplainable to man. It is an awesome and exhilarating experience when we are able to put our thoughts and feelings into something that seems to express them so precisely, and yet stays open to interpretation to others which, in turn, is able to unite people of all backgrounds and interests together on one level. It also enables the musician a way to funnel his/her feelings in this way at any time by simply picking up their instrument of choice and playing and/or singing till their current need is sufficiently satisfied.

"I hear the angelic mixing of the melodies and harmonies intertwined with feeling and emotion and am convinced that there must be a God!"

<>< Christi <><

A revelation/realization between God and I

Ok, so last week I attended the first meeting of many to come for the new Girl's Group that's going on at Sr. high. Part of the requirements for the group is that the day of the meeting we are all supposed to fast from 6 am-6 pm, and, at some point during the day, set aside AT LEAST an hour to just pray and read our Bibles and worship alone, away from all distractions. The fasting part went fast and easily for me, as I thought the devotion time would as well. But that hour was the longest hour of my entire life, so it seemed. I could not, even for a minute, focus on praying, reading, singing, or whatever else I tried. My mind was RACING faster than the Indy 500, planning out what had to be done once I was done with that hour, as well as thinking over the next week(s) to come! I finally had to give up and do some cooking while I prayed, becuase it was the only thing I could do to even semi-focus!

I had the same problem that night as we all got together to talk about how things went, and then pray for half an hour. I could not focus for ANYTHING! Finally, in the middle of our group prayer time, while I was laying on the couch in the corner of the youth center, I silently cried out to God, begging Him to help calm down my mind and help me to focus!!! And finally, God did what He does so often with me, and He started laying songs on my heart, one by one, and it started with "Unashamed Love" by Ten Shekel Shirt:

"You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place
Worthy, You are Worthy!"

It was just like, "But dude, where?? What hiding place?? Where can I get away from this?? Where ever I go I'm bombarded 24/7, and there's no escape..." And then, He followed it up with "Haven":

"I long to be flown far away from the details that take their toll
I know what I need to embrace is a Haven for my soul!
I long to be flown to the place I can let all my troubles go
I see when I'm wrapped up in You, You're the Haven for my soul!"

And then it hit me: "Wow, ok...all I have to do is fall back on Jesus, my Hiding Place, and rest in His glory and majesty, and HE will be My Hiding Place!" Next came, ironically, the song "Hiding Place":

"You are my Hiding Place
You always fill my heart with songs of delieverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of my Lord
I will trust in You!"

"Oh my goodness...you mean there was a trust issue going on too?? I haven't been surrendering my life up to You like I should've been! I'm SO sorry, God! Please forgive me, and BRAKE me God! I give it *ALL* up to You!!!"

"When the music fades, and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing *just* to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart!

I bring You more than a song, for a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search MUCH deeper within through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart!

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's ALL ABOUT YOU, ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS!
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it,
When it's all about You, ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS!!!"

"And I surrender
All to You, all to You!
And I surrender
All to You! All To You!"

"God, I just pray that over the next week, month, year, and the rest of my life, that You would help me to continue give EVERYTHING up to You, and learn to just rest in Your love and peace and forgiveness! I pray that You would help me grow closer to You through this as well! Father God, also be with everyone else out there who may be struggling with this same thing! I pray that maybe You could bring some of them into my life so that we could be supports for each other and encourage each other in Your spirit! Thank You, Father God, for all You are and all You have been for me, and all You WILL be for me! In Your mighty and awesome name, AMEN!"


~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~

Contrast of ages

So, this past summer God has really been laying it on my heart that He wanted me to work with the Jr. High kids at my chruch. I said "No prob! I'd love to!" Well, a few weeks ago Jr. High youth group started. And it's been interesting, to say the least. I LOVE the Jr. High kids like CRAZY, but that's exactly what they are...CRAZY. I never realized (forgive me, all you wonderful Jr. Highers) how crazy, hyper, nuts, and wacked-out those kids can be! And then it makes me think. "Was I like that in Jr. High? Was I really that crazy??" And the answer to that may never be known. At least not by me.

But now being a Junior in Highschool, it's amazing to look back and realize that my class was acting that same way when we were 8th graders. Seeing where we were then and where we are now is a HUGE difference! Well, ok, maybe not HUGE, persay, but maybe semi-huge. OK, I admit it! We're still the same immature kids in older bodies and the younger kids actually THINK we're cool!.....Wow, that felt good to get off my shoulders. :P

But seriously, it's been interesting working with the different age groups. On Tuesday nights, I'm paired up with an awesome adult leader and she and I lead a small group of 5-10 girls. Talking to those girls and hearing their hearts is really neat, and it's exciting to learn about the kind of things they're going through, and being able to offer up advice and help them through it!

Then, on Wednesday nights, I lead a girl's accountability group. We get together an hour before youth group and we sit and talk about our weeks, prayer needs, ask for help, totally open up to each other for support, and have fun fellowshiping together! It's been really neat to be a part of that see these girls (and me!) growing closer to each other and to God all at once.

But being involved in those two age groups (7th-8th graders vrs. 9th-12th graders) has really been exciting! I've been learning a LOT about the differences between the kids and how the different ages (not to mention personalities...that's an entirely different subject!) respond to things and deal with things in their lives. One of the main differences I've seen is Jr. Highers tend to be unsure of themselves and things, and they're openly searching for answers. Sr. Highers tend to "have it together" more, and so it's harder for them to open up or accept help and advice.

Anyways, that was just kinda pointless (I think) because I couldn't think about anyting better to say. I have to get going for now, though, because I have to put together a devotion for the Girl's Acc. Group tonight! :)

God bless, and I hope that you are able, somehow in your life, to overcome yet keep special portions of your Jr. High lifestyle! :D

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

Wow.

Can someone say the word "busy"? Or how about "overwhelming"? "Crazy-go-nuts"? And then there's "life-changing".

That last sentance basically describes my life over the past three weeks. By my last post (MAN, was that wierd...I must have been high on Mt. Dew or something!) I'm sure it's very easy to recognize that things are just a *tad bit* crazy right now. Which is an unthinkable understatement. But this last weekend I had the oppertunity to go to Fall Rally with my youth group, and God was able to use that time to show me why I have been so stressed lately.

First off, I have this HUGE weakness of feeling like I have to be a perfectionist. I want to please others and impact their lives, so, naturally the best way to make an impact is to not have weaknesses so you can be a strong example for them. Right? Wrong! I have realized that by not admitting my weaknesses (mostly too much stress right now) that I have become MEGATONS weaker!!! I just kept pushing aside all my heart-screams telling me that I had to do something because I was too overwhelmed. But instead I'd harden up and tell myself that all teenagers deal with it, and so I can too without any problems. HA!!!

But over the weekend, God showed me that I was so focused on school and other commitments that I couldn't even have fun during the first part of Rally! But He used the worship and the speakers (as He loves doing) and helped me see that all I had to do is GIVE IT ALL TO HIM! (and that really hit me as we were singing the song "I surrender all to YOU, all to You!!") Now, giving things up is a WHOLE different story, and that shall be saved for possibly a later post. But suffice to say that it's not really a piece of cake for me. But, as the Holy Book so states, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:13)

One last note before I go, I have recently discovered that two of the men I know (one was my jr. high youth pastor, and the other leads worship at my YG now) have very inspiring Blogs, and I have been throughly enjoying reading what they have to say. It's been VERY inspiring, and it's awesome to see these guys using all they have to serve our Lord to the best of their ability. ROCK ON GUYS!!! :D I love ya both!

Constantly reminded to Surrender All,

<>< Christi <><