As the Mist settles...

Have you ever botteled up your feelings and tried to keep them secret from the rest of the world, and maybe even yourself? Do you ever have times in your life where you feel so desprate that you can't keep it in any longer? That's what I've been dealing with over the last few months. 17 years worth of problems and imperfection that I *finally* stopped ignoring and decided to face it head-on. Only to find myself falling head-first to the hard ground of realization.

Yet at the same time that I wanted to stop myself from falling, I realized that I needed to hit rock-bottom before I could start climbing up again. It's a scary thing to have all of your life suddenly flashed in front of your face. You see all of your weaknesses and failures all at once, and nothing can stop the regret from lashing out at you at slapping you over and over again till you're numb with pain.

But even so, as the mist settles and starts to clear, I can see over the horizon and I know that I'm changing and growing. Even though I *just* fell, my Awesome Father is already helping to start the climb back up. It's so awesome to know that He's there to help, and no matter how hard it is to see through the fog or even though it may hurt so much, He's right there through all of it, and I can rest in His promise that He'll "work all things out for the good of those who love Him." :)


"And You said,
'I know that this will hurt,
But if I don't break your heart
Things will just get worse!
When the burden seems too much to bear
Remember,
The end will justify
The pain it took to get us there!'"



<>< Christi <><

Good Enough For You

"You were always there for me
When I really needed a hand
And when I couldn’t remember how to walk,
You’d show me how to stand
No deed could repay nor word convey
How much that’s meant to me
Yet every chance I get to try,
I fall and fail for all to see!

I’m sorry, dear friend, that I’ve let you down again
I’ve fallen and I can’t get back up on the ledge
That’s cracking, falling,
Like the tears from my cheeks are falling
To the river down below
I’ll get caught in the water’s flow
And I’ll be sinking, drowning,
In the waves of stupidity drowning
‘Cuz I’m not now and I never will be, my friend,
Good enough for you!"

Who Am I?

"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind..."

Lost...Confused...Scared...Uncertain...

I feel like a small, insignificant blob of nothingness, wandering through a wilderness where everything is so tall and crowded, and everything has a purpose. Why does it seem that those purposes are just to confuse me??? Nothing I do or say is seen or heard because, compared to the loud and strong voices of everything above me, my voice is small and scared that I'm not saying the right thing. And when I am noticed, it's because I tripped over one of them or made a huge mistake, then I end up with never-ending whispers that seem to grow louder as they come closer to me and finally enter my ears. I feel broken down...Hurt...Wounded...And old scars that I never dealt with are suddenly torn open again.

This is so wierd, because I never feel this down-and-out, but maybe it's because I was just hiding it before. I didn't want to admit my weaknesses...I'M PERFECT! But the realization of the lies hit hard, and the blow tore me to pieces. Or at least, the person I thought was me. Another realization: All my life I've made myself to be like the people around me to gain their acceptance. But instead of gaining all their cool and popular sides, I've just gained all their weaknesses. So instead of being the genuine Christi Turner, I've become a collection of the "dark sides" of all the people I've ever liked or respected!

Who am I? Who do I need to be? How do I be me? How do I find where I am and where I need to go? I know, I have a map called the Bible, but it's so confusing! How do I understand it? Interpret it? WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?!?

"Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours!"

The Sting of Death and New Life

Sounds fairly confusing, right? Let me explain:

This last weekend I had the privilege of going on my first Jr. High retreat as a leader. I had been really excited about the trip, and was really looking forward to seeing how God would work in the youth group.

The second day (Saturday) in the afternoon, I felt this burning feeling between my fingers. I looked down, and there was a wasp stuck there. After I managed to shake him loose (because of the funky dance and frantic screaming), my whole hand started burning. Thankfully I only got stung once (Praise God for that!!), and I'm not extremely allergic to the stings.

But because of the sting, my whole hand swelled up and it hurt like the dickens everytime I moved it or it got bumped. I couldn't use my hand for anything. It was like I had sprained it...Broken it...Like it had died.

Then it dawned on me: how many times do I take other things for granted? My legs, arms, head, heart, home, country, life, friends, family, youth group leaders, pastors, God, wea-....Wait! Did I just say God?

Yes, I did. My Jesus is my Lifeline, my Creator, my King, my Shepherd, my Master Builder, my Everything. And yet, I still take Him for granted almost daily! I've grown up so close to Him that I don't really know what life would be like without Him. It scares me to think of who I would be if He weren't in my life! I would be like I was without my hand: I couldn't (wouldn't) do as much, simple chores would hurt a LOT more, I'd become incredibly vulnerable, and would be constantly frustrated that I couldn't measure up to those around me. My life would be (pardon the phrase) "like hell" without God!

So now, because of this "new" realization, I hope to have a new dependence and respect and appreciation for my Savior, Christ, who gave up not only his hand, but his LIFE, and died to give me new life.

"Thank you, Father God, for being my everything!"

God bless you all!

In Him,

<>< Christi <><