Updates Galore!

Hey ya'll! :D I'm back again!!! *hears groans through computer speakers and dodges a digital rotten tomato* Ahhh, good to be home again..? :p Lol!

Anyway, sorry about the last 4 messages; I was kinda sorta trying to update my Blog by phone, and it kept telling me that the message wasn't sending, so I kept sending it. I finally got fed up and gave up. And none too soon I guess! :p

Moving right along, lol... An update. :) I just got home from a 10-day vacation to the East coast with my family (for more info on that, as well as pictures, check out my other blog :D). It was an awesome trip! ;) But even better than going places I've never been, spending "quality" time with my family (:P), and making memories that will last a lifetime, was the fact that I learned a lesson I wish I could have learned YEARS ago.

So I have this HUGE issue with something that shouldn't even BE an issue. It's called "Being Myself". Not a cool thing to not be able to do. You live your life struggling to retain your own identity, yet changing this and that detail here and there over and over again to make other people like you till the point that you're no longer you anymore. Make sense? I hope so. I'm not gunna try to re-write it. It's 1:30am for cryin' out loud! :p

So, the lesson. I got this awesome oppertunity to meet up with a friend while I was other there. He's an old friend, and it's been *forever* since I last saw him, but we had been talking on the phone beforehand about it, and we were both totally pumped! :D But the closer we got to the 28th (the day they were gunna drive down and join us in DC), the more nervous I got. "What if he won't like me? What if he thinks I'm wierd and he never wants to talk to me again cuz I scared him or something? Could this cause me to loose one of my best friends?? :(" Even though we knew each other sooooo well, it was still really scary. I spent the days sweating and the nights tossing and turning, worrying about how it would go. :p How lame was that?

I guess one of the biggest causes of trying to hide who you are is that you aren't comfortable with who you are to begin with. Wow, brilliant, I know. So, after this realization hit me like a bowling ball plowing over a billiard ball, I started thinking. What is it about myself I don't like? What am I not comfortable with or what am I afraid other people are going to see? ..... Hours of thought finally brought me to the conclusion that there really isn't much. :)

So one night before the 28th, I talked to TJ about it. It turned out he said he was kinda nervous about it too. Then it hit me: If we spent the whole time being nervous of what the other thought, then, even though we're good friends, we won't be able to get much farther past "Hi!" and "Bye!". :( I was starting to realize that I needed to change for this to work. WOW!!! WAIT JUST A SEC!!!! Change *just* so a guy doesn't think you're NUTSO?!?!? ... Yes. :)

Now, don't get me wrong. If you haven't caught on already, the change would be to change all the changes. To remove all the fake personality implants. To destroy all doubt and fear that I have about me. God made me with the body and personality I have, so who am I to throw all that away and change it for something as temporary as acceptance?!?!? Nobody. Yet God took me and made me a somebody, and gave that somebody something that no one in this world has to give back to the world. What's that? ... I dunno, you tell me! :p I'm still trying to figure this all out, haha!

Anyway, long story short (or not so short, lol): I decided that I wouldn't let temporary things get in my way, and I was just gunna be myself. That way I wouldn't have to worry about anything! The way I looked, talked, acted, moved, conversation, fun, all that stuff... I gave it up to God, and you know what? :) He gave it back to me. ;)

I went on to have more fun in that one day than I think I have had since 1st or 2nd grade. I was able to BE MYSELF, do what *I* wanted to do and say and act how *I* wanted to act, and I was soooo relaxed and NOT WORRIED! :) It was the first stress-free day around friends I've had in what seems like forever. I got back to our hotel that night and almost cried because I hadn't felt that good in so long!

So, I had the rest of the trip to think about that day and how it applied to my life in general. I was able to start changing while I was still gone so, now that I'm home, I feel like a new person. I'm finally the ME God made ME to be! :D I went to Jr. High tonight, and for the first time I wasn't worried about what I said or did to impress the kids or keep from looking/sounding stupid... I was able to be myself, and I had more fun with the kids tonight than all the youth events we've had put together!!!!!!!!!!! It felt amazing to be having fun with the people I love and not have to be worried. Instead of worried, I was overcome by a sense of peace and understanding that I was finally doing the right thing. After all those years of TRYING to be right, and changing to achieve that, I finally made the change that mattered. :)

Now, I'm still struggling with it because it's hard to change lifelong habits so quickly, lol. :p But I know that God was able to use the down time I had on vacation and away from my friends (after the 28th at least) to speed up the strengthening process. The real test will be tomorrow night at Sr. High yg with my friends that are my own age, and that I've been artificial with since 7th grade. It'll be hard, but I know it's worth it now, and I know how much I want and need this. :)

Anyway, I'm done now. Sorry that was sooo long! I just had to write / talk out my thoughts somewhere, hehe! :) If you think of it, please be praying for me that I'll be able to change me to BE me 24/7. I'd really seriously appreciate it!!! 0:3 God bless you all, and you're totally all in my prayers as well! Have an awesome week! :)